Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High

Some crucial conversations are tougher than others. This chapter explores some trickier cases and possible solutions.

Sexual or Other Harassment: Small actions that are nonetheless offensive can be difficult to confront. When the actions are “subtle and seldom enough” that HR or a manager may not be able to help (194), sometimes a private, firm conversation can solve problems. In order to handle the issue, stick to the facts and try to stay away from telling a “Villain Story,” even though the person’s actions are inexcusable. If the behavior is addressed and still doesn’t change, then that makes a stronger case to take to human resources.

“Sensitive People”: When someone is “touchy and can’t take feedback” (196), it’s easy to just avoid conflict by not bringing up problems, since it’s obvious that it won’t be taken well. A solution can be to use Contrasting so that the sensitive person is less likely to blow the critique out of proportion or start telling themselves a harmful story. By making the conversation safer and being persistent, it becomes possible to chip away at sensitivity.

Failure to act on agreements: When “people don’t do what they agreed to” (197), it can lead to distrust and break down dialogue. Teams that communicate exceptionally are able to hold each other accountable the moment that a broken promise becomes apparent. Fostering an environment in which people feel confident holding each other to account (and being held to account) creates better chances for accountability to thrive.

Respecting authority: Being the boss can cause problems with communication. Underlings can defer to their boss out of fear of repercussions, and therefore the Pool of Shared Meaning becomes shallow and incomplete. In order to keep employees from lying or sugarcoating in order to please their boss, first “discover your part in the problem” (199). Employees follow the boss’ lead. Make the space safer for pushback, and pushback will come.

“Failed Trust”: When someone betrays trust, “deal with the trust around the issue, not around the person” (200). Try to stay away from assigning them a villain story, since everyone falls short in some areas. Instead, make sure to drill down and honestly bring up concerns to allow them to address those concerns in a satisfactory way.

Avoiding serious discussion: Some people will always withdraw from serious discussion of any kind. Though this can be frustrating, it usually indicates that they do not feel safe, having learned through their experiences that dialogue “won’t do any good” (201). The solution to this problem is to create safety by addressing smaller issues first and exercising patience while they work on improving their dialogue skills in an atmosphere of trust.

Vaguely annoying behavior: When people behave in a way that is not bad or wrong, but simply annoying, it can be tempting to initiate a crucial conversation to address the annoyance. It’s important to resist that urge, though. Crucial conversations should be reserved for issues of importance, since “[p]erhaps the problem is not their behavior but your tolerance” (203). If their behavior becomes unacceptable, trace it back to the facts of the matter and address the issue from there.

Does not show “Initiative”: When a person gives up at the first sign of trouble and does not seem interested in persistence toward the group’s goals, it’s important to overtly “establish new and higher expectations” for the group and hold everyone accountable to them (204). If someone’s behavior needs to be addressed, give specific examples of when their lack of initiative harmed the group or waylaid their goals, then brainstorm solutions.

Patterns: When someone repeats the same behavior over and over regardless of dialogue about the issue, it becomes necessary to look for the pattern at hand and use that pattern as evidence of the problem. The first conversation is about the problematic behavior. The second conversation has to be about “his or her failure to keep a commitment” (206).

Needing cooling off time: After getting emotional—especially after getting angry—it can be difficult to calm down. The body reacts to adrenaline being pumped into the system automatically, which can make rational discussion difficult. “Coming to a mutual agreement to take a time-out” is often the best choice and does not constitute silence or avoidance (207). It’s important not to tell others to take a time-out or to “calm down,” since that can come off as condescending.

“Endless Excuses”: When people present dozens of reasonably plausible excuses for problems, it can become easy to give up and let them get away with their behavior. However, the problem still remains. Instead, figure out a way to get them to commit to a future fulfillment of a promise. If they fail to fulfill that promise, then the conversation can concern the failed commitment, not the excuses for the original problem. “As the excuses accumulate, don’t talk about the most recent excuse; talk about the pattern” (208).

“Insubordination”: “Insubordination is so rare that it takes most leaders by surprise” (208), so it can be difficult to react appropriately. When dialogue gets heated, sometimes honest discussion can cross the line into disrespect. When this happens, it’s important to address it immediately and nip it in the bud. Letting it pass without comment makes it more likely that it will happen again. Learn to spot disrespect and catch it before it turns into full insubordination.

Regretting harsh words: When problems are not addressed, resentment can build up until it explodes with anger and sometimes unforgivable words. Learning to address problems early on will minimize the risk of this happening. Take a time-out to dissipate any anger, then use the facts to STATE your path without coming to conclusions about someone’s motivations. Try to stay away from telling yourself victim or villain stories, and instead leave room for the benefit of the doubt while addressing the issue.

“Touchy” or “Personal”: Sometimes touchy issues like hygiene problems become tempting to just ignore. However, this can cause harm because it denies an otherwise reasonable individual valuable information about how they are perceived. In this case, use Contrasting to make sure that the statement hurts no more than it has to hurt. “Although these discussions are never easy” (211), that doesn’t mean they aren’t valuable.

“Word Games”: Some people play games to trick others into accepting their poor behavior, using a combination of cleverness and persistence to wear others down. When this happens, “[t]entatively STATE the pattern of splitting hairs and playing word games” (212). Try not to focus on actions, since they can always find loopholes to excuse actions. Instead, discuss their behavior and the consequences of their behavior, and try to enlist their cleverness in constructing a solution instead.

“No Warning”: Being surprised by an unfinished task or a sudden obstacle is frustrating, especially if others knew about the problem beforehand and allowed the surprise to occur. As a solution, make it very clear that no surprises are allowed. They can either complete the task or make contact immediately if they run into a problem. This makes it possible to address the broken promise next time instead of just the excuse.

Dealing with a rule-breaker: Some people seem to have no dialogue skills at all. In fact, they seem to make dialogue worse while engaging in it. It’s possible that they have a problem with others, or it’s possible that they are simply bad at communicating, and everyone else suffers for it. The solution in this case is to “choose your targets very carefully” (214). What bothers people the most? What’s the easiest to start to work on? Either of those would be good starting places. This is a good time to establish or invent a Mutual Purpose to encourage camaraderie. State the issue, then only work on that one issue.

Chapter 12 starts off by cautioning not to take on too many communication goals too quickly. Many factors affect whether someone will succeed in a crucial conversation, like engaging in one unexpectedly, dealing with high emotion, or being unable to veer from the “script” in order to suit a new context. “Tough conversations come at us out of nowhere” (219), and people are forced to improvise, leading to messier dialogue than anyone really wants.

However, there are ways to transfer the lessons learned in the previous chapters to the real world. These principles were developed by supervisors who learned to successfully apply the skills and were able to offer strategies for “turning ideas into action” (219).

Master the content: be able to recognize “what works and why” (219), and be able to make new conversational scripts for novel scenarios. Practicing the skills and discussing the material can be helpful in mastering the content.

Master the skills: learn to perform those new scripts in ways that enhance the content instead of detracting from it. Being able to “say the right words with the right tone and nonverbal actions” is vital for creating healthy dialogue (220). Rehearsing with a friend, practicing on the fly, and setting up formal training sessions for practice can all help in mastering skills.

Enhance your motive: “[Y]ou must want to change” (220). Refine motives for learning good communication skills. Will it help at work? At home? With children? Online? Identify priorities and use them for motivation to improve. Applying incentives, setting consequences for failure, “going public” with the motivation to improve, and setting the environment up for success can all help in enhancing the motive.

Watch for cues. Old habits are easy to fall back on, so recognizing when to exercise new strategies can help to enhance the learning process. Recognizing physical cues that indicate a heightened emotional state (looking at a watch, touching a steering wheel, looking at a meeting agenda) and then physically marking them with a visual cue like a “red dot” will help people catch themselves before their emotions get control. Setting aside a time each day to practice, learning to read reactions, and creating permanent or portable visual reminders, like a poster or cue cards, can all be helpful in learning to build cues.