It Starts with Us

“My choice helped me realize that sometimes the hardest decisions a person can make will most likely lead to the best outcomes.”

In Lily’s letter to Ellen DeGeneres, she reflects on the difficulty of her choice to leave Ryle and on the positive outcomes of that hardship. This is one of the ways throughout the novel that Lily confronts her traumatic past in efforts to build a new future with Atlas. The result of her work is a lasting, committed relationship.

“Do I sacrifice what I know will make me happy for the sake of avoiding the inevitable disruption Atlas’s presence would cause? Or will I always have an Atlas-shaped hole in my heart unless I allow him to fill it?”

Lily questions whether to pursue a relationship with Atlas because of the conflict it may cause with Ryle. Hoover uses rhetorical questions such as these to capture Lily’s internal conflict, which haunts her throughout the novel. As Lily grows closer to Atlas, she learns to follow her instincts as a mother and a woman to pursue her own happiness and no longer questions her intuition.

“Now I actually like my life. I’m proud of what I’ve accomplished. I have absolutely no desire to allow anyone from my past to come in and threaten that.”

Atlas struggles with the decision to engage with his estrange mother when she calls him out of the blue. At first, he grows defensive and hangs up on his mother to protect himself. As Atlas finds his new family in his relationships with Lily and Josh, he learns how to become more vulnerable and experience a deeper love and acceptance than he ever thought possible. He does not have to avoid the past; he can transform it through his actions and relationships in the present.

“Not much is said between us, but the nonverbal cues we’re trading are saying enough. My eyes are apologizing for my silence over the last twenty-four hours, he’s silently telling me it’s okay, and we’re both wondering what comes next.”

When Atlas shows up unexpectedly at her work, Lily describes the unspoken communication between them: Due to their deep connection and history, Lily and Atlas understand each other in a way that Lily never experienced with Ryle. The transparent communication and deep trust within their relationship provides Lily and Atlas a safety they both have searched for throughout their lives.

“It takes a few seconds for what he says to register. When it does, I don’t smile. I swallow the lump in my throat, hoping he can’t see my internal reaction to that. It’s not the first time he’s mentioned I saved him back then, but every time he says it, I want to argue with him. I didn’t save him. All I did was fall in love with him.”

Lily reacts to Atlas stating that Lily saved him when he was a teenager. She expresses her emotional reaction to Atlas’s traumatic past and her deep love for Atlas stemming from their first childhood romance. By equating love with rescuing and being rescued, Hoover exemplifies the power of true love to save people and provide them a new beginning in the future. It is significant that Lily and Atlas rescue each other, rather than one person acting in the role of the savior while the other is the victim. Mutual support and caring are important in any relationship, especially for those who have suffered abuse in their relationships in the past.

“I realized at that point I had been giving her too much credit. I always blamed our lack of a bond on her being a single mother, but there were a lot of busy single mothers out there who somehow still bonded with their children. Mothers who took up for their children when they were being mistreated. Mothers who wouldn’t look the other way when their thirteen-year-old came away from a punishment with a black eye and a busted lip. Mothers who didn’t allow their husbands to force their school-aged child into homelessness. Mothers who didn’t throw screwdrivers at their children’s heads.”

Inspired by Lily’s journals, Atlas writes a note to Lily that details his traumatic past before meeting Lily. As he details his mother’s abandonment of him, Atlas comes to terms with his mother’s abuse and the active role she played in his abuse. Hoover contrasts Atlas’s mother’s acts as a single mother to those of Lily who endured abuse from Ryle and chose her child above all else. Through the example of Atlas’s mother, Hoover uplifts Lily’s commitment to her daughter’s safety and happiness.

“We’re impressionable when we’re younger, and when you’re told you are nothing for years on end by everyone you should mean something to, you start to believe it. And you slowly start to become nothing.”

Atlas chronicles the last time he saw his mother and how her abandonment of him destroyed his self-confidence. Through Atlas’s recount of his childhood trauma, Hoover documents the effects of childhood trauma and its impact on its survivors. These traumatic experiences bond Lily and Atlas from childhood to adulthood and impact every aspect of their lives. Their representation is important because, in the way Lily and Atlas deal with their pasts, Hoover models a proactive and transformational means of healing from trauma that involves building mutual trust, honesty, and compassion.

“I may not be perfect, but I don’t deserve to fear for my life every time I make a mistake.”

After Ryle confronts Lily about their daughter’s middle name, she reflects on how much control Ryle has over her life. A turning point in the novel and in Lily’s development, this moment leads Lily to establish strict boundaries with Ryle and to choose to pursue a relationship with Atlas despite Ryle’s anger. From this point forward, Lily takes steps to free herself from the fear that consumed her in the aftermath of Ryle’s abuse and to choose happiness.

“How do people leave these cycles when they don’t have the resources I had or the support from their friends and family? How do they possibly stay strong enough every second of the day? I feel like all it takes is one weak, insecure moment in the presence of your ex to convince yourself you made the wrong decision. Anyone who has ever left a manipulative, abusive spouse and somehow stayed that course deserves a medal. A statue. A freaking superhero movie.” 

Lily ponders the difficulties domestic violence survivors undergo to escape and the privilege she enjoys as someone with a supportive network and resources to help her become independent. Knowing how precarious life is for survivors, she is thankful for the support she had to leave Ryle and praises survivors who escape their situations with fewer resources than she had. Through Lily, Hoover comments on survivors who leave abusive situations and the strength it takes to escape. Lily’s story serves as a symbol of survivors’ stories and the freedom they find in choosing their own happiness.

“I know what it’s like to have to do what you can to survive. I also know what it’s like when you’d do anything to get someone’s attention. Anyone’s. There were times in my childhood I just wanted to be noticed, and I have a feeling that’s exactly what’s going on here.”

As Atlas watches the figure who has vandalized his restaurants on the security tapes, despite the damage the vandal has caused, Atlas feels empathy. He sees the vandal’s actions as a cry for attention that is part of his need for acceptance. Atlas’s past experiences with homelessness create an empathy within him that allows him to find strength in kindness. After finding out that the vandal is Josh, Atlas recognizes the same pain in Josh because of their mother’s abuse.

“This kiss is hope. It’s comfort and safety and stability. It’s everything I’ve been missing in my adult life, and I am so happy Atlas and I have each other again, I could cry.”

Years after their first kiss as teenagers, Lily and Atlas kiss for the first time as adults. Lily uses the words “hope,” “comfort,” and “safety” to convey the peace and stability that her romantic connection with Atlas provides her. Now as adults on their own individuals paths of healing, Lily and Atlas find a comfort in one another that is unmatched by any other relationship in their lives.

“Sometimes people think if they love a broken person enough, they can be what finally repairs them, but the problem with that is the other person just ends up broken, too.”

When Ryle confronts Lily about her relationship with Atlas and becomes aggressive, Lily contemplates how she used to believe that she could fix Ryle. As a survivor of domestic violence, Lily now realizes that her attempts to fix Ryle resulted in her own trauma. Hoover’s use of the third person here conveys a greater message about surviving abuse; Lily is not alone in her experience because it is common for survivors to feel this way.

“This is the only negative aspect to finally being with the person you’re meant to be with. You go years aching to be with them, and when they finally become a significant part of your life, it somehow hurts even more.”

When Atlas says goodbye to Lily, he misses her instantly. Enamored, Atlas comments on the power of love to consume a person and to fill them with a longing almost to the point of pain. Hoover uses the second person “you” to relay this as a greater message. Through the example of Lily and Atlas, Hoover portrays the all-consuming nature of love and its overwhelming emotional power.

“I realize in this moment that the hardest part about ending an abusive relationship is that you aren’t necessarily putting an end to the bad moments. The bad moments still rear their ugly heads every now and then. When you end an abusive relationship, it’s the good moments you put an end to.”

Through Lily’s experiences, Hoover explores the struggles of leaving an abusive relationship. As she tracks Lily’s healing from her trauma, Hoover documents how survivors struggle with the loss of not only their relationships but also their happy memories with their abusive partners, showing the complexities inherent in surviving abuse.

“Lily doesn’t run to people. She didn’t run after me when I left Maine. She didn’t run to me when she left Ryle. She focused on being a mother.”

Ryle confronts Atlas at work and alludes to Lily returning to Ryle after her relationship with Atlas comes to an end. Atlas realizes how little Ryle understands Lily’s character and describes Lily’s independent and strong character. For Atlas and for Hoover, Lily represents a strong survivor who learns to trust her instincts as a mother and to go to any length to protect her child.

“Sometimes I feel like Ryle has a monster inside him that is on a constant search to be offended. His dark side feeds off drama, and if no one gives him any, he makes it up. But I can’t be a player in his game anymore.”

Here, Lily updates Allysa on her relationship with Atlas and expresses her gratitude for Allysa’s friendship. While speaking to Allysa, Lily thinks of Ryle and compares him to a monster who plays a game. She compares her former self to “a player in his game,” which illustrates the lack of control she had in their relationship. In this moment, Lily recognizes the lack of power she held in that relationship and resigns her to take control over her own life.

“I’m going to continue doing the best I can, and that’s all I can do. I may not have made all the right decisions in the right time frames, but the fact that I found the courage to make those decisions at all is what I’m going to keep focusing on.”

Lily informs Atlas of her plan to confront Ryle with Allysa and Marshall present. Now confident in her choices to protect herself and her daughter, Lily speaks from a place of power. She is no longer victim to Ryle’s manipulation and has grown in her healing journey.

“As a kid, I had the highest hopes for family, too, but after years of being disappointed, I realized that just because you’re born into a group of people, that doesn’t make them your family.”

Despite his reservations, Atlas drives Josh to Vermont to reunite with his father. Although Atlas witnessed firsthand the abuse of which his stepfather is capable, he empathizes with Josh’s desire to reconnect with his father. Now, as an adult, Atlas reflects on the meaning of family and how his definition has changed over the course of his life.

“I can draw a seedling with two tiny branches. Yours and mine. We’ll be on our own brand-new, tiny family tree—one that starts with us.”

Josh decides not to reunite with his father and shares his plans for his family with Atlas. Previously dismayed by their lack of familial connections, Josh refers to Atlas as his family and conveys a sense of hope for the future. Through their relationship with each other, Atlas and Josh find a sense of belonging and understanding that they desperately need.

“Ryle’s jaw is twitching. His expression is blank otherwise. He looks at Allysa and then at Marshall. The tension in the room is palpable, but so is the support. I could cry, I’m so grateful for them. I could cry for all the victims who don’t have people like them.”

At Ryle’s intervention, Lily shares her boundaries with Ryle and asks him to agree to anger management classes and supervised visitation with their daughter. It is only through the support of her friends Allysa and Marshall that Lily feels safe enough to offer Ryle this ultimatum. Moved by her friends’ support, Lily laments the struggles survivors undergo to escape their abusive environments. Through Lily’s example, Hoover comments on the support survivors need.

“When I decided to have this conversation with her on the drive home from Tim’s house today, I fully planned on cutting her out of our lives forever. But even monsters can’t survive without a heart beating inside their chest. There’s a heart in there somewhere. Maybe no one in her life has ever let her know they’re appreciative that it still beats.”

To gain custody of Josh, Atlas prepares dinner for his mother and offers her the opportunity to maintain a relationship with her sons. Atlas explains that his motivation for offering his mother this opportunity stems from his acceptance of his mother’s humanity despite her abusive behavior. No longer defensive and isolated, Atlas allows himself to be vulnerable with his mother for the greater purpose of ensuring his brother’s safety. Atlas’s love for Josh offers him the ability to heal from his own trauma.

“We’ve been together several months now, and he leaves me notes all the time. But this is one of the first notes he’s left that a small part of me hasn’t dreaded opening, in the off chance the note was from Ryle. I make a mental note of the significance of this moment. I do that a lot. Mentally note significant things that are clues my life is finally getting back to normal.”

Six months after reuniting with him, Lily reads a letter from Atlas. She comments on how in the past a mysterious letter would have triggered an emotional response within her due to Ryle’s abusive behavior. No longer triggered by this occurrence, Lily marks the progress in her healing.

“In my heart, I believe we’re going to leave here today and face a journey together that’s full of hills, valleys, peaks, and canyons. Sometimes you’re going to need me to hold your hand down the hills, and sometimes I’ll need you to lead me up the mountain, but everything, from this point forward, we’re going to face together. It’s you and me, Lily.”

Before his wedding with Lily, Atlas reviews his vows. In them, he commits himself to Lily in the ups and downs of life. The marriage between Atlas and Lily signifies a celebration of their individual healing journeys, which have allowed them to find peace and security within each other, and the journey of healing they have experienced together. Though this happy ending, Hoover unveils the power of true love to overcome life’s darkest moments.