45 pages • 1 hour read
It Starts with Us
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Themes
The Power of Boundaries
Bound to her abusive ex-husband through their daughter, Emerson, Lily struggles to confront her traumatic past and maintain boundaries that will protect her and Emerson from any future abuse. However, quickly after meeting Atlas unexpectedly in the street, Lily begins to question the co-parenting situation she and Ryle have established and what she truly desires for her life. Unable to deny the connection she and Atlas share, Lily learns the power of setting boundaries on her own terms.
Lily’s inability to set personal boundaries with Ryle comes from her fear and role as a survivor of domestic abuse: Any attempt she made in the past to assert herself was met with violence. Now, even though she has successfully divorced Ryle, she still feels that she will be punished for going against his wishes. This fear carries over into her relationship with Atlas as well. Consumed by fear over Ryle’s hatred for Atlas, Lily begins the novel by avoiding Atlas and, thus, allows Ryle’s anger issues to limit her freedom. Eventually, Lily and Atlas’s deep connection forces her to reevaluate the power she has given Ryle over her life, and compels Lily to create more boundaries in her coparenting relationship with Ryle. While previously consumed by guilt over her choice to divorce Ryle, Lily begins to recognize that it is Ryle who is “always trying to push my boundaries and straddle the line of what I’m okay with, and I’m honestly tired of it” (110). Each of Ryle’s attempts to constrict Lily’s freedom leads her to proclaim more boldly that she is “done bending my own life for Ryle’s sake” (257). Repeatedly, she reads over a list of the abuse Ryle inflicted on her as a reminder of the harm she could face without the boundaries she fervently enacts in Ryle’s relationship with her and Emerson. Hoover includes this list as a reminder for Lily but also for the reader who may not be familiar with the abuse Lily endured in the first book in the series, It Ends With Us.
By establishing more consistent boundaries, Lily allows herself to become more vulnerable with Atlas and begins to rely on him and her friends Allysa and Marsha as mutual support systems. Eventually, she finds freedom from her fear of Ryle’s retaliation and unlocks the power of following her own happiness. Through her portrayal of Lily’s story, Hoover offers a realistic and raw glimpse into divorce and into the power of boundaries to protect and empower.
Reparenting to Heal Trauma
As they work to heal from their respective past traumas, both Lily and Atlas learn how to parent not only Emerson and Josh but also themselves. Through their care of Emerson and Josh, Lily and Atlas begin to trust their instincts and take control of their lives. No longer able to avoid reminders of their past, Lily and Atlas confront the darkest parts of their lives and, ultimately, find peace and a renewed hope for the future.
With no connection to his family, Atlas yearns for connection and acceptance. Although he finds this in his relationship with Lily, his mother’s sudden reappearance in his life forces Atlas to confront his mother’s cruelty now as an adult. Upon hearing the news that he has a younger brother, Atlas admits that “everything I’ve tried running from has formed a slow leak that’s threatening to sink me” (129-30). The leak he refers to is Atlas’s trauma, which threatens to sink him into a depression when he is reminded of his mother’s inability to care for him in the ways he needs and desires. However, when Atlas meets his younger brother, he cannot deny the opportunity to provide Josh the love and affection he never received as a child. He works tirelessly to offer Josh the freedom to explore his own trauma while also providing Josh the structure and care Atlas lived without throughout his childhood.
Through his relationship with Lily, Atlas witnesses firsthand the sacrifices Lily makes to ensure Emerson’s safety and happiness. Unable to escape her abusive ex-husband and the father of her daughter, Lily learns throughout the novel how to follow her instincts and choose her own happiness. After experiencing Ryle’s continued abuse, Lily decides early in the novel to limit Ryle’s access to her and to pursue a relationship with Atlas. Atlas observes Lily’s perseverance and seeks to follow in Lily’s example: Filled with imposter syndrome, Atlas asks Lily for advice on parenting. She reassures him that “we’re all full of imposter syndrome, winging it every minute of the day” (150). Reassured by Lily’s words and inspired by her example, Atlas discovers how to set clear boundaries with his own mother while offering her the ability to continue a relationship with Josh. This moment offers Atlas the opportunity to release himself from his past trauma and forge a new future with his brother and Lily. After Atlas’s mother relinquishes custody of Josh and Lily gains control of her own life without fear of Ryle’s retribution, the two marry and begin their new lives together as a family unit.
The Resilience of Survivors
Hoover often discusses challenging issues like domestic violence and trauma within her novels, and in It Starts With Us, she explores the aftermath of Lily’s experiences as a domestic violence survivor. Through her portrayal of Lily, Hoover comments on the resilience of survivors who overcome manipulation and abuse at the hands of those they love and continue to live lives of freedom from fear.
A year after leaving her abusive marriage, Lily struggles to balance her life as a single mother with her desire for independence. Quickly, Lily realizes that she is still vulnerable to Ryle’s abuse because they share custody of Emerson: Despite being divorced, as a parent, Lily must grapple with the connection she is forced to share with her abuser. Frustrated by Ryle’s continued impact on her life, she begins to ask, “How long until I get to start making decisions about my own life without worrying about his feelings?” (143). As Lily navigates the complexities of sharing part of her life with her abuser, Hoover highlights the nuanced struggles that survivors navigate throughout their lives.
Through Lily, Hoover illustrates the manipulation and abuse that continues after survivors, particularly single mothers, find the courage to escape their abusive environments. Although Lily tries her best to fight off Ryle’s advances, she is unable to escape his emotional outbursts, which cause her great distress and filter into other aspects of her life. Lily’s love for Emerson helps her overcome this: She navigates each incident with an unwavering focus on maintaining her daughter’s safety and happiness and eventually frees herself from the situation. Hoover praises Lily’s independence and resilience to convey her esteem for survivors: Hoover compares them to heroes who “deserve a medal” (112). While leaving an abusive situation may seem straightforward, Hoover proclaims that “society has obviously been worshipping the wrong heroes this whole time because I’m convinced it takes less strength to pick up a building than it does to permanently leave an abusive situation” (112). Through her network of support and determination, Lily overcomes Ryle’s resistance to her newfound independence and finds happiness in the loving partnership she begins with Atlas. Hoover chooses to document Lily’s happy ending with Atlas as a message of hope to survivors like Lily. Through great courage and resilience, Hoover offers the message that Lily and other survivors can find a new beginning.
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By Colleen Hoover
