62 pages • 2 hours read
The Wedding People
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Themes
Navigating Societal Expectations in Marriage, Love, and Intimate Relationships
Content Warning: The section of the guide includes discussions of infertility, pregnancy loss, and suicide.
In their respective romantic relationships, Phoebe and Lila must navigate traditional societal expectations regarding committed relationships, marriage, and love. Both characters embark on a journey of self-discovery and introspection, coming to new realizations about themselves and abandoning tradition in their relationships.
Lila’s fixation on achieving the perfect wedding epitomizes a traditional mindset that ties the success of marriage to the grandeur of the wedding ceremony. While Phoebe initially views Lila as materialistic and superficial, she later becomes perplexed, “wondering why Lila is so worried about her million-dollar wedding being ruined yet doesn’t seem concerned to be missing the start of it” (74). This observation leads Phoebe to question Lila’s true motivations for marrying. The narrative eventually reveals that Lila is subconsciously hoping for someone to sabotage the wedding, allowing her to avoid the burden of canceling it herself. Phoebe reflects, “Brides who plan weddings this expensive actually go through with them. People do what’s expected” (336), highlighting the societal pressures that force Lila to adhere to traditional norms despite her doubts and desire not to marry Gary. Her hesitancy to make a decision that prioritizes her happiness—even if that means calling off the wedding and potentially receiving scorn or gossip as a result—underscores how deeply entrenched traditional societal expectations can influence people’s decisions, often at the expense of authenticity and happiness.
In reality, Lila has an emotional connection with Jim, though she tries to mask her feelings with outward irritation. By clinging to a traditional commitment with Gary, despite understanding that he doesn’t love her in the way she desires, Lila denies herself the chance to genuinely explore her emotions for Jim. This denial introduces the role betrayal and infidelity play in the text. Both Gary and Lila engage in emotional betrayal by failing to communicate honestly about their true feelings for one another. Ultimately, they can no longer maintain their relationships out of obligation.
Phoebe, too, grapples with conflicted feelings about her ex-husband Matt’s infidelity. She often fantasizes about Matt with a completely different, more aggressive personality. Her therapist comments, “It’s good that it at least involves your husband” (39), touching on the topic of cheating. Mia, Matt’s new partner and Phoebe’s former close friend, insists, “I did not ruin your marriage. That is not on me” (48). These words, which initially enrage Phoebe, eventually lead her to accept the truth. While Matt‘s physical infidelity was a betrayal, Phoebe recognizes her role in the emotional disconnect during their marriage. By the novel’s end, she no longer feels bound by the promises made during her wedding when she was younger and less experienced. Phoebe embraces her desires and individuality, realizing she “wants to be in her body. She wants to enjoy this beautiful dress. And her side bang” (345-46). This acceptance signifies her liberation from traditional expectations, allowing her to focus on her fulfillment and a more authentic self.
Motherhood and the Expectation of Sacrifice
The author introduces the theme of sacrifice in motherhood through Phoebe’s family history. Phoebe describes a void from growing up without a mother and an emotionally distant father. She can sense when other women have had a maternal presence in their lives: “Having a mother helps you speak without thinking. It allows you to trust in your most awful self, to yell and scream and cry, knowing that your mother will still love you by the end of it” (71). This sense of lacking a maternal anchor profoundly impacts Phoebe’s interactions and self-perception, highlighting her struggle to connect with others and trust her own emotions fully. The absence of this unconditional support leaves her grappling with her vulnerabilities and insecurities, often feeling out of place compared to those who have experienced this maternal bond.
Phoebe faces significant personal sacrifices while struggling with infertility during her attempts to conceive a child with Matt and become a mother. Over the years, she has sacrificed her social life, career, and personal passions, dedicating herself to fertility treatments and IVF. She imposes strict rules on herself to maintain optimal physical health in attempts to conceive. She then endures the heartbreak of pregnancy loss. In contrast, Matt remains unwilling to consider alternative paths to parenthood, such as surrogacy or adoption, expecting Phoebe to bear all the emotional and physical burdens of growing their family. He fails to acknowledge the depth of Phoebe’s loss, including the trauma of losing her mother during childbirth. It is only through her connection with Juice that Phoebe begins to understand how she can cultivate maternal relationships despite not having children of her own, discovering a form of connection that is free from the various burdens of sacrifice that come with mothering.
The theme also appears through the novel’s minor characters. Patricia’s strained relationship with Lila underscores the consequences of the traditional expectations of sacrifice in motherhood. Throughout Lila’s upbringing, Patricia consistently put her needs and desires aside in favor of Lila’s, adhering to societal norms that dictate mothers must prioritize their children above all else. In a rare moment of self-celebration, Patricia commissions a nude cubist self-portrait, a choice that enrages Lila and feels like a betrayal to her late father, Henry. Phoebe observes that Patricia “worries it’s her fault and that by giving Lila everything, they have given her nothing. They have stripped her of the most important thing: actual human desire. Her life has no urgency. There are no stakes” (216). This quote highlights the double-edged sword of maternal sacrifice. By focusing solely on Lila’s needs, Patricia has neglected her desires and ambitions, resulting in a life with limited personal fulfillment. At the same time, Lila feels hurt by Patricia’s failure to set aside her aspirations, a practice Lila has come to expect from her mother.
Cultivating Unexpected Connections to Find Fulfillment Amidst Life’s Challenges
Phoebe’s character arc explores the ways people seek to find fulfillment while navigating life’s challenges. She begins her journey adrift, lacking ambition, purpose, or joy. It is only when she reaches a point of contemplating death by suicide that she discovers her curiosity is still alive. Through unexpected encounters and unlikely friendships formed in Newport, Phoebe learns to embrace responsibility for her happiness and reclaim control over the essential aspects of her life.
Phoebe’s challenges with her marriage, career, and infertility, coupled with social isolation during the COVID-19 pandemic, exacerbate her depression. Phoebe recounts, “When she was alone, she stopped seeing the meaning in things. She stopped writing in her journal, stopped making elaborate meals, stopped combing her hair” (143), illustrating her feelings of despair and disconnection. Her abandonment of daily rituals and self-care signifies a significant loss of purpose and meaning, reflecting the intensity of her depression. These actions reveal her struggle to find significance in her life amidst overwhelming emotional turmoil.
What ultimately saves Phoebe is her willingness to embrace chance encounters and look beyond her initial judgments of others. Although Phoebe has often struggled to maintain friendships, her time in Newport allows her to become the person she has always aspired to be—someone’s maid of honor. Her interactions with Lila, Gary, Jim, Juice, and the other wedding guests remind her of the joy she can still experience and the future events she can anticipate with a sense of excitement and hope. Phoebe realizes, “She knows this is a story that she will tell again and again for the rest of her life, and that one of these days, she’ll tell it as a beginning” (363). This quote underscores Phoebe’s transformation and newfound perspective on life. It reveals her recognition that her experiences in Newport are not just moments of happiness but the beginning of a new chapter, one that is more fulfilling. Her ability to see her story as a positive turning point signifies her acceptance of the past and optimism for the future, highlighting her personal growth and renewed sense of purpose.
While Phoebe’s years with Matt and her struggles with infertility initially threaten her resilience, when Matt arrives in Newport, Phoebe is a changed person. Due to her unhappiness, Matt’s infidelity, and their divorce, Phoebe decides to go to Newport, a destination she always wanted to see. Her initial decision to die by suicide eventually changes as she becomes embedded in Lila’s wedding party. In Newport, and through these unexpected connections she forges, Phoebe embraces and appreciates what the future holds. Phoebe understands she won’t be a mother, but she understands that “there are other ways to create. Other ways to love. Other reasons to live” (342). This quote marks a pivotal shift in Phoebe’s journey. Her acceptance of her infertility and the acknowledgment of alternative paths to fulfillment demonstrate her personal growth and self-discovery. It signifies her transition from a state of despair to one of acceptance, resilience, and an openness to what lay ahead.
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